UNItopia News: Brett Medien, Gruppe Rollenspiele, Artikel 357

Titel: Computer"Rollenspiel" und MUd-Klischees (Englisch)
Artikel: 357                                           Bezug: 0
Verfasser: Culluket                                    Datum: 19.02.02 20:04:16
Das sind jetzt Klischees .. also was bei Computer"Rollenspielen" und
Muds so alles passiert ... immer wieder ...

Garrett's Principle
     Let's not mince words: you're a thief. You can walk into just about
anybody's house like the door wasn't even locked. You
     just barge right in and start looking for stuff. Anything you can find
that's not nailed down is yours to keep. You will often
     walk into perfect strangers' houses, lift their precious artifacts, and
then chat with them like you were old neighbors as you
     head back out with their family heirlooms under your arm. Unfortunately,
this never works in stores. 

"Silly Squall, bringing a sword to a gunfight..."
     No matter what timeframe the game is set in -- past, present, or future --
the main hero and his antagonist will both use a
     sword for a weapon. (Therefore, you can identify your antagonist pretty
easily right from the start of the game just by
     looking for the other guy who uses a sword.) These swords will be far more
powerful than any gun and often capable of
     distance attacks. 

Just Nod Your Head And Smile
     And no matter how big that big-ass sword is, you won't stand out in a
crowd. Nobody ever crosses the street to avoid you
     or seems to be especially shocked or alarmed when a heavily armed gang
bursts into their house during dinner,
     rummages through their posessions, and demands to know if they've seen a
black-caped man. People can get used to
     anything, apparently. 

MacGyver Rule
     Other than for the protagonists, your choice of weapons is not limited to
the prosaic guns, clubs, or swords. Given
     appropriate skills, you can cut a bloody swath across the continent using
gloves, combs, umbrellas, megaphones,
     dictionaries, sketching tablets -- you name it, you can kill with it. Even
better, no matter how surreal your choice of
     armament, every store you pass will just happen to stock an even better
model of it for a very reasonable price. Who else
     is running around the world killing people with an umbrella? 

Everyday Object Rule
     When an everyday object is useful, it will be fantastically expensive and
difficult to find. For instance, if vitamins are used
     to heal, they'll cost $500.00 each and never ever be in bottles of fifty
at the drugstore. 

We Had To Destroy The Village In Order To, Well, You Know The Rest (Selene
     No matter what happens, never call on the government, the church, or any
other massive controlling authority for help.
     They'll just send a brigade of soldiers to burn your entire village to the

Zidane's Curse (or, Dirty Pair Rule)
     An unlucky condition in which every major city in the game will
coincidentally wind up being destroyed just after the hero

Local Control Principle
     Although the boss monster terrorizing the first city in the game is less
powerful than the non-boss monsters that are only
     casual nuisances to cities later in the game, nobody from the first city
ever thinks of hiring a few mercenaries from the
     later cities to kill the monster. 

Indestructible Weapon Rule
     No matter how many times you use that sword to strike armored targets or
fire that gun on full auto mode it will never
     break, jam or need any form of maintenance unless it is critical to the
story that the weapon breaks, jams or needs
 27.Painted-On Equi

Painted-On Equipment Rule
     Enemy equipment doesn't exist. Even if your enemy is a knight in armor
wielding a sword, chances are next to nothing
     that you'll get his armor or sword by the end of the battle. Instead,
you'll get some object that (even if it is a gigantic
     weapon or accessory) was completely invisible during the fight. 

Selective Paralysis
     Your characters must always keep both feet on the ground and will be
unable to climb over low rock ledges, railings,
     chairs, cats, slightly differently-colored ground, or any other trivial
objects which may happen to be in their way. Note that
     this condition will not prevent your characters from jumping from railroad
car to railroad car later in the game. 

Zelda's Axiom
     Whenever somebody tells you about "the five ancient talismans" or "the
nine legendary crystals" or whatever, you can be
     quite confident that Saving the World will require you to go out and find
every last one of them. 

George W. Bush Geography Simplification Initiative
     Every country in the world will have exactly one town in it, except for
the country you start out in, which will have three. 

Short Attention Span Principle
     All bookshelves contain exactly one book, which only has enough text on it
to fill up half a page. 

nvisible Bureaucracy Rule
     Other than the royal family, its shifty advisor, and the odd mad
scientist, the only government employees you will ever
     encounter in the course of your adventure are either guards or kitchen

Law of Productive Gullibility (Ruby Rule)
     Whenever anybody comes up to you with a patently ludicrous claim (such as,
"I'm not a cat, I'm really an ancient Red
     Dragon") there's an at least two-thirds chance they're telling the truth.
Therefore, it pays to humor everyone you meet;
     odds are you'll be glad you did later on. 

Perversity Principle
     If you're unsure about what to do next, ask all the townspeople nearby.
They will either all strongly urge you to do
     something, in which case you must immediately go out and do that thing, or
else they will all strongly warn you against
     doing something, in which case you must immediately go out and do that

If You Meet The Buddha In A Random Encounter, Kill Him!
     When you're out wandering around the world, you must kill everything you
meet. People, animals, plants, insects, fire
     hydrants, small cottages, anything and everything is just plain out to get
you. It may be because of your rampant
     kleptomania (see Garrett's Principle.) 

You Do Not Talk About Fight Club
     Any fighting tournament or contest of skill you hear about, you will
eventually be forced to enter and win. 

Figurehead Rule
     Whenever someone asks you a question to decide what to do, it's just to be
polite. He or she will ask the question again
     and again until you answer "correctly." 

Puddin' Tame Rule
     The average passer-by will always say the same thing no matter how many
times you talk to them, and they certainly
     won't clarify any of the vaguely worded warnings or cryptic half-sentences
they threw at you the previous time. 

Nostradamus Rule
     All legends are 100% accurate. All rumors are entirely factual. All
prophecies will come true, and not just someday but
     almost immediately. 

You Always Travel In The Right Circles
     Whenever you meet a villager or other such incidental character who
promises to give you some great piece of needed
     knowledge or a required object in exchange for a seemingly simple item,
such as a bar of soap or a nice straw mat, be
     prepared to spend at least an hour chasing around the world exchanging
useless innocuous item after item with bizarre
     strangers until you can get that elusive first item you were asked for. 

Selective Invulnerability Principle
     RPG characters are immune from such mundane hazards as intense heat,
freezing cold, or poison gas... except when
     they're suddenly not. Surprise! 

First Law of Fashion
     All characters wear a single costume which does not change over the course
of the game. The only exception is when
     characters dress up in enemy uniforms to infiltrate their base. 
 73.Second Law of Fashion
     Any female character's costume, no matter how outlandish, is always
completely suitable to wear when climbing around
     in caves, hiking across the desert, and slogging through the sewers. 

Franklin Covey Was Wrong, Wrong, Wrong
     Sticking to the task at hand and going directly from place to place and
goal to goal is always a bad idea, and may even
     prevent you from being able to finish the game. It's by dawdling around,
completing side quests and giving money to
     derelicts that you come into your real power. 

Guards! Guards! (or, Lindblum Full Employment Act)
     Everything will be guarded and gated (elevators, docks, old rickety
bridges, random stretches of roadway deep in the
     forest) except for the stuff that actually needs to be. 

Harmless Looking Monster Law (Tonberry Rule)
     If you encounter a monster that looks odd, harmless, and cute, run away!
It is insanely strong and will easily decimate
     your party. 

Falling Rule
     An RPG character can fall any distance onto anything without suffering
anything worse than brief unconsciousness. In
     fact, falling a huge distance is an excellent cure for otherwise fatal
wounds -- anyone who you see shot, stabbed, or
     mangled and then tossed off a cliff is guaranteed to return later in the
game with barely a scratch. 

Gender Equality, Part 1
     Your average female RPG character carries a variety of deadly weapons and
can effortlessly hack or magic her way
     through armies of monsters, killer cyborgs, and mutated boss creatures
without breaking a sweat. She may be an
     accomplished ninja, a superpowered secret agent, or the world's greatest
adventurer. However, if one of the game's
     villains manages to sneak up and grab her by the Standard Female Character
Grab Area (her upper arm) she will be
     rendered utterly helpless until rescued by the hero. 

Gender Equality, Part 2 (Feena Rule)
     If any female character, in a burst of anger or enthusiasm, decides to go
off and accomplish something on her own
     without the hero, she will fail miserably and again have to be rescued. 
 89.Gender Equality, Part 3 (Luna Rule)All of the effort you put into maxing
out the female lead's statistics and special abilities will turn out to be for
naught when
     she spends the final confrontation with the villain dead, ensorcelled, or
held hostage. 

Sephiroth Memorial Escape Clause
     Any misdeed up to and including multiple genocide is forgiveable if you're
cool enough. 

Bad Is Good, Baby!
     The heroes can always count on the support of good-hearted vampires,
dragons, thieves, demons, and chainsaw
     murderers in their quest to save the world from evil. And on the other
 95.Good Is Bad, Baby!
     Watch out for generous priests, loyal military officers, and basically
anyone in a position of authority who agrees to help
     you out, especially if they save your life and prove their sincerity
innumerable times -- they're usually plotting your demise
     in secret (at least when they can fit it into their busy schedule of
betraying their country, sponsoring international terrorism,
     and stealing candy from small children) and will stab you in the back at
the most inconvenient moment, unless they fall
 96.General Leo's Exception
     Honorable and sympathetic people who work for the Other Side are always
the genuine article. Of course they'll be busily
     stabbing you in the front, so either way you lose. Eventually though,
they'll fall prey to... 
 97.The Ineffectual Ex-Villain Theorem (Col. Mullen Rule)
     No matter how tough and bad-ass one of the Other Side's henchmen is, if he
bails to the side of Good he'll turn out to be
     not quite tough and bad-ass enough. The main villain will defeat him
easily. But don't weep -- usually he'll manage to
     escape just in time, leaving you to deal with the fate that was meant for

All The Time In The World (Rinoa Rule)
     Unless there's a running countdown clock right there on the screen, you
have as long as you want to complete any task --
     such as, say, rescuing a friend who's hanging by one hand from a slippery
cliff edge thousands of feet in the air -- no
     matter how incredibly urgent it is. Dawdle or hurry as you will, you'll
always make it just in the nick of time. 

Luke, I Am Your Tedious, Overused Plot Device (Lynx Rule)
     If there is any chance whatsoever that major villain X could be the male
lead's father, then it will turn out that major villain
     X is the male lead's father. 

Adam Smith's Revenge
     By the end of the game you are renowned everywhere as the Legendary
Heroes, every surviving government and
     authority figure has rallied behind you, the fate of the world is
obviously hanging in the balance, and out of nowhere
     random passers-by give you a pat on the back and heartfelt good luck
wishes. However, shopkeepers won't even give
     you a discount, much less free supplies for the final battle with evil. 

The Moral Of The Story (Ghaleon Rule)
     Every problem in the universe can be solved by finding the right
long-haired prettyboy and beating the crap out of him. 

The Ultimate Rule
     Anything called "Ultima (whatever)" or "Ultimate (whatever)" isn't.
There's always at least one thing somewhere in the
     world which is even more. 

Know Your Audience (Vyse Rule)
     Every woman in the game will find the male lead incredibly attractive. 

So .. ok, ok ... das meiste trifft nicht auf UNItopia zu ...
aber doch erstaunlich viel ;)
Ich hoffe ihr konntet ueber einiges lachen (ich konnte es auf jeden Fall ;)